End of an Era

It's no secret to anyone who knows me (or has read this blog) that I am a bit of a lactivist. For the past year, I have subscribed to the notion "breast is best" even when it was not what I wanted to do. When I had Oliver, I set a goal for myself that I was going to nurse him for a whole year. I HAD to do it because 1.-it was what was best and healthiest for my child (even if I do eat cookies with my lunch...there are vitamins in chocolate chips, right?) and 2.-we literally couldn't afford for me not to do it. Those are the cold hard facts. Well, I am here to say that 14 months later, I did it. I met my goal. ::cue wild applause here::

It seems slightly unreal. I. Did. It. Me. The person who sometimes stops mid-workout because "I'm tired," and "It's really hard." Without a doubt, nursing is the hardest thing I have ever done. In fact, during those workouts where I want to quit, I remind myself, "Well, you didn't quit nursing even when you hated life and everyone else, so finish you big sissy." But seriously, it was so hard. My motto to anyone is, if you can make it past the first 6 weeks then you can do it. Those 6 weeks seem like an eternity. I can remember hearing other moms say that to me and at the time thinking, well yeah but their baby can't be as lazy/sleepy/terrible an eater/"underweight"/tiny/fill in the blank of horribleness as MY baby. But now I know. They're all terrible in the beginning. Now, there are those rare exceptions who come out of the womb, eating like a boss and sleeping like a champ. Mine did the second thing REALLY well. Too well. All he wanted to do was sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Don't know if you know this, but you can't really eat well if you're asleep. Brand new information, I know. And not to mention I had not the FAINTEST idea what I was doing. I dove head first into a world full of words like nipple shield, engorgement, lansinoh, let-down, clogged ducts, flax seed, fenugreek, and on and on and on. I thought it would be simple. You have the baby, you put them to your boob, they eat, they poop, you change them, they sleep, you're done. Eventually, yes, this happens. But in between several of those steps insert crying hysterically, from mom or baby and hey, sometimes BOTH. Because that is reality. 

I don't write this to make mothers who didn't nurse, or couldn't nurse, for whatever reason, feel bad. There are so many odds stacked against us. Supply issues, latch issues, pumping, returning to work, medication, adoption, the list goes on and on. You did what was best for your baby, mama, and don't let anyone take that away from you. It's not for everyone and thankfully we live in age where you don't have to find a wet nurse from the village down the lane to feed your baby. There is formula. Thank the Lord. I write this, however, to encourage new mamas or mamas to be that you can make it. You can do it. I didn't have super debilitating issues, but I still had issues. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow in the midst of the storm, but it's there, waiting for you! Ready to shine its glorious light upon you! Remember this: It. Will. Get. Better.

I did it. I made it through those 6 weeks. And then I made it to 3 months. Then 6 months. Then 9. And now all of a sudden I have a one year old who drinks almond milk (he's a snob, what can I say) and doesn't need me the same way anymore. It's bittersweet. Weaning Oliver has been a lot more of an emotional experience than I thought it would be. Let's be real, its been like two days since I last nursed him, so the emotions are a little fresh. I mean, for over a year now, my body has not been my own. I have had my life and schedule revolve around when this little boy needs to eat and I was the only one who could meet that need and comfort him in that way. I was needed. I know I still am, but it's not the same. Those sweet tender moments are some of my favorite. I'll never get them back, but I'll treasure them always. 

So hang in there, new mama. Rest is just around the corner. And if not, that's why God invented the breast pump...and the daddy. ;)