I know, I know. I am literally the worst. blogger. ever. Cut me some slack, I have an 8 month old. He has, however, finally decided that he wants to take part in the schedule I've been trying so hard to implement, so I do have blocks of time where I could actually make this writing thing happen. And to top it off, I come back with the longest. post. ever. You are all quite welcome.
I have to say that I usually go for the route of humor in the blog world. Nothing personal, it's just my style. That is not to say I won't read a serious/heartfelt blog post. However, today, I am going to speak very candidly and from the heart. I feel like this is something I need to share so other moms out there (all 3 of you that will read this...you're welcome) don't feel alone.
I love my child. I really do. Next to Jesus and my husband, he is my most favorite thing. He is hilarious, sweet, adventurous, loving, and all around easy going, but I hate what he has done to my body. I said it. Out loud. I think admitting it is the hardest part. I have spoken with a select few about this issue mostly because I'm just embarrassed. I can honestly say I hate the way I look. I can't believe I'm even typing it right now, but it needs to be said. I know I am not alone in this battle, but in the midst of all my insecurities I feel so alone. I see beautiful, tiny, thin mamas everywhere. At the gym, in the grocery store, at church, in Chick-Fil-A. There seems to be so many women out their who have babies, you blink, and they look as if nothing ever happened. Mind blowing. Before I had Oliver, I just knew I would be one of those. I would have him, nurse him, and BOOM-like magic, a few months later, I would be back in my pre-preggo jeans (with no muffin top, might I add), no problem. Well I'm here to say that 8 months later, while still nursing, ain't no way those jeans are coming on right now. I feel like the Lord loves to humble me. The one thing I am realizing with age is that I, Katie Strout, am extremely prideful. I have this assumption that things will just come easy for me. What I am learning is if I think that, the opposite will most definitely come true, and if I think it's difficult, it will be a breeze. Go figure.
I know that my body will one day go back to some sort of normal and that nothing lasts forever, but it's just hard. I go to the gym, I run, I go to classes, and it is slowly but surely coming off (so my husband says, I do not see it), but I will be the first to say that I am not rigorously dieting. I have now been nursing Oliver for 8 months and I am so afraid to do anything that will mess with my supply at this point. We have made it so far and it was SO HARD and trying in the beginning that I am just not willing to compromise in this area. Sometimes it makes me a little resentful that I have sacrificed so much of myself and my body for him, but I would do it over again in a heartbeat. I don't eat crazy. I eat like a normal person, but I am by no means living the paleo life.
The main reason I have felt compelled to write this is because I feel like the Lord is truly breaking me over this bondage I have. Last night, I was supposed to accompany my sweet husband to the grand opening of a project Appleseed just got finished designing/building. I'll be honest, I did not want to go. I don't mind going out and about everyday because I can throw on workout gear and not feel guilty, but, these days, dressing up to go somewhere has to be right up there with being shut off by myself in a room full of birds (which I'm terrified of, btdubbs). I made up some excuse about how hard it would be to get Oliver out and could we find a sitter and I even said, if it's really important, I'll go, but I'd just rather not; never being TRULY honest about why I didn't want to go. He told me it was perfectly fine, he'd go and mingle and be back around 6. And truthfully, I don't think he nor myself realized how big of a deal it was until he got there. I mean, this WAS a big deal. This was the largest project they have ever done. And it was fabulous. No one is more proud of my husband than me. He is one of the hardest working men I know, waking up at 3:30 or 4 am most days just to be home in enough time to spend with Oliver and me. I am his biggest fan and cheerleader, but last night, I let him down and didn't show up. And with that move Satan won. He wants me to believe I am not lovely, that I am not beautiful, that my husband is not proud to be seen with me, and I let that voice win. He got home, we talked, he was tired, I apologized for not being there, he said it was fine, but I knew it wasn't. There was this gnawing in me all night (the LORD, hello) and I finally broke down (and I mean I was weeeeeeping, like uncontrollably) and I had to wake him up and confess everything to him. He poured grace over me and reassured me of all my insecurities and picked me right back up. Precious lamb.
I say all this to say I am still not 100%. The Lord is most definitely doing a work in me. I still get weepy today when I think about how I let Ben down, but how much he showed me the gospel in that moment. How I confessed my sin to sweet friends and they picked me up and reminded me who I am and how much I am loved. I cannot let my fears and insecurities keep me from living. I know there are millions of women out there who would give their right arm to have a baby and be miserable with the way they look just to have a child of their own. I know that and my heart breaks for them. But this is where I am. I pray the Lord would use this post in your life in some way. Maybe you don't empathize with me, and maybe you do. I pray you let the Lord remind you of who you are. That we are daughters of the King and nothing, not even the lies of Satan, can take that truth away.
Katie, I know where you're coming from! It took me a long time, like more than a year, to feel normal again. Even now, I'm wearing the same size that I was pre-pregnancy, but everything is just different! When I was nursing G, I couldn't cut calories or my supply would suffer. I found that my body held on to some of the weight until I finished nursing for good. It didn't "fall off" like I thought it would! I have never had the best metabolism, so I can't just eat like a normal person and expect to maintain- I usually gain that way.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in the way you're feeling!!! Ollie is precious and perfect and you are a great mom!